Boy it's been a while....

So. I can go years and years in between playing video games. I'll get all into one and play it until I beat it. I dont mean just finish it. I mean finish EVERYTHING, buy the book and find all the secrets finish it.

Well. Mister got a PS3 forever ago. I care nothing for it. I actually leave when the fellas are playing. You see, they play shoot-em-up games and I am opposed so I leave the room in order to not pull rank and make them shut it down. Where was I? Oh yeah. So, Playstation has a new thingy in it's early stages called Playstation Home. I saw Mister playing it and things changed for me RIGHT THEN.

I got to build a JanniLaine! I got to build a jannilaine avatar! She's not as round as me, of course but it's me. My hair, my round cheeks... Anyway. Guess what I do? Guess what I do?

I bowl. I mad bowl. I bowl and bowl and bowl. I have a sparkly little ball and my high score is 278. Please. My high score at the Alley is like 103. And this way doesn't hurt my elbow pits like the wii does. But I won't go into wii injuries right now.....

I have even made a few 'friends' on there. I have two bff's. helldog34 and tacorun. We hunt and peck on a keyboard on the screan to visit. Takes forever and we'll probably all get carpal tunnel, but it is what it is.

So. I have a straight up addiction. I LOVE it. I watch people trash talk and know i'll beat-em.

I'm such a loser. And I love it. I am a 38 year old mother who plays online bowling and I am proud of it. Now, do you think I'll be able to find a 12 step to help me put it down? An intervention maybe? I could really use some sleep!

HA!

Life List:

Life Lists are pretty big right now. I hear people talking about them. Especially on shows like Ellen.

That got me to thinking. What do I want? When I’m old and my tattoo’s don’t make any sense any more, what do I want to remember about my life?

So, I am starting a list. Some of the things were obvious and I wrote them down right away. Some of the things I had to think about. I couldn’t have them ALL be about travel….

Here’s the beginning of my list. And I recommend it. I think it will always be changing. But getting it down on paper will hopefully get me started (or help me continue)…

* Be comfortable in my own skin. Quit apologizing for myself.
* Spend an entire week in Disneyland.
* Wear my hair long. Even if just for a short time.
* Take Byron to Australia.
* Get my full back tattoo.
* Raise Jackson to be a gentleman.
* Be a respectful and faithful daughter.
* Go to an event where I can buy and wear a gown.
* Go to New Orleans and take a tour of the cemeteries.
* Drive a 4 wheeler.
* Learn to meditate. Maybe even go to a retreat.
* Camp.
* Go on a cruise with a big group of friends.
* Learn to have kindness be a habit.
* Pan for gold.
* Figure out what I believe and find like-minded folks.
* Decide what I want to be when I grow up and DO IT.
* Clean my room. And keep it clean for more than a day.
* Stand up for myself.

That's what I've got so far... Wish me luck.

Well said, crazy lady!

So, leave it to Roseanne to say it perfectly:

As spoken to Newsweek.

On being fat: "I used to just gorge," she says. "Now I gorge all day on smaller amounts. I'm still fat and I always will be and I don't care."

On irritating people: "The truth is I like it or I won't do it. It's fun to see what's underneath all the the fake niceness, when you scratch [the surface] and you see the crazy person come out."

I hope I don't wait until my 50's to quit it! Quit worring about being 'nice' and just be real. Real is wayyyy more interesting EVERY time.

My sister, the "monster bait"

On this Friday the 13th, I think a monster story is in order.

All my life, I have slept in what my mom calls a nest. I put my bed up against the wall and line the edge with blankets and stuffed animals. Basically, I sleep with my back against the wall facing my room. No fingers or toes poking over the edge of the mattress EVER (you know, the monster under the bed…) I still sleep this way now. Married 12 years. Same stuffies and blankies.

It may just look like it is comfortable, but it’s mostly about the mosters. If I can see the whole room, I might escape being eaten. I might have time to get out.

Well, when we were young, Becky-Boo and I would have sleep overs. I would ‘host’ these in my room. This was VERY good for the monster situation. See, if the monsters came in, they would eat her first and I would have time to get out. Perfect! The only problem with this arrangement was that I made the poor decision once of telling her about the monsters eating her first.

She didn’t sleep over much after that! I can’t blame her tho. If I found out I was monster bait, I’d leave too. Poor Becky-Boo.

2 more things.

Once as an adult, I decided there were NO monsters under my bed. Silly silly girl. So I boldly stuck my toes down over the edge of the mattress. I felt empowered. I wiggled my toes all around. HA! NO MONSTERS! But then my cat, who was in the room without my knowing it, ATTACKED my foot. I screamed and my heart raced. NEVER AGAIN. Stupid monsters.

At my husbands work, he sits at a counter and helps customers all day. His is the second chair from the door. So, when anyone comes in all mad, they go to the first guy! Husband thinks it’s just because coworker is closer to the door. I say its monsters. All monsters. Coworker is closer to the monsters, therefore he gets eaten while my husband can escape!

See?

So much has happened.

Here's the scoop.

We are back in Milwaukie and getting back in the swing of things. Life in Bend ended up being pretty nice. After the big shock of moving and finding that it wasn't what we thought, or what we were promised.... finding ourselves ALONE and knowing no one.... finding that friends really weren't friends after all..... we found our way. We were able to really get back to being a family. I don't think that could have happened had we not been given the chance to REALLY be together without distractions. We each had a decent job, we could afford to see movies and go out to dinner, and it was feeling like home. But, here's the thing about "home"... It really is where your people are. We had to decide where we wanted to put down roots. With (mostly) Jackson in mind, we decided our roots need to be where our family and loved ones are.

I will say that the 2nd year of living in Bend was nice. It really is beautiful there. And there really is something to starting over somewhere. No one knows you. No one has any pre-conceived ideas about you. You can just BE. That was peaceful. Home is where people know you and your history and your everything. But, still? Home is where we belong.

So, here we are.

Getting settled back in. Wish us luck!

STRUCK in the HEART!

So~

My sister sent me an email today with pictures of her BEAUTIFUL children. I sat and looked at each one slide-show style. Then I looked at them again. And I was STRUCK IN THE HEART! I actually said out loud “I’ll be there in just a minute” to them. (yes, like a crazy person)

2 years I’ve been gone and I can’t wait to get back to my REAL life and family.

YEAY!!!!!

And my sister? I may not make it until the 29th. I may fall down DEAD with impatience before then.

DEAD.

Home!

So, I just thought I'd tell ya that I get to see my seester this weekend. Mmhmm.

AND?

I'm moving home end of June. So I get to see her A LOT more. mmhmm. a. lot. more.

(insert random celebratory booty dance with ackward snapping and "uh-huh's" here)

No Touchey Touchey

Watching “Deal or No Deal” last night, my husband and I were discussing Howie Mandell’s germophobe issues. He doesn’t shake hands. He gives a fist, or an air kiss while he holds the other person’s forearms. But no handshakes. I don't shake hands. And to be honest? I don't like to be touched at all.

Why do we have to touch people? It surprises people when I finally, for whatever reason, have to fess up that I don’t want to be touched. People think I'm warm and sweet. But that doesn't mean I'm a toucher. It just happened today. One of the attorneys in our firm wants to honor “Administrative Professionals” day by shutting down the office for an hour and taking all the ladies out for pedicures.

Sweet? Yes. Participate? NO! People think that I cut my own hair because I know how. Partially true. The reality is that the shampoo hurts, the combing is rough and I worry about everything icky while I’m there. I LOVE pedicures, but only when given BY MYSELF. I have had ONE pedicure by a salon in the 15 years since beauty school . I do love to GIVE pedi's to my Rebecca-Marie though.

You have to be VERY INNER CIRCLE to touch me. VERY. Husband & Son, Mom & Dad, Sister and her kids, hugs for family at holiday gatherings and one girlfriend at work. That about covers it. Doctors comment that I need to relax. Dentists see me white knuckling when I’m in for cleanings and ask if I’m alright. I mean, I will give the obligatory hug goodbye, or good hearted rustle, but that’s it. (the only exception to the touching rule is tattoo’s and piercings… but that’s an entirely different issue).

Long story short is that I agree with Howie. You shouldn’t HAVE to touch anyone if you don’t want to. And we shouldn’t have to defend why.

NO TOUCHEY.

I'm all the wealthy

Something is starting to occur to me in my “old” age. I’m poor. POOR POOR POOR. Most of my clothes are YEARS old. My jewelry and shoes are from ebay. My dishes are cracked. My couches have holes. My makeup is from the grocery store. My panties are warn. My coat is from Target. I make scrambled eggs for my family for dinner at least once a week. And I love Ramen.

BUT? I am SUPER WEALTHY. Super. I have a husband that is CRAZY about me. I have a brown eyed son that is happy and has a great round Italian body that I love to hug and kiss. I have 2 cats that I adore. My parents are alive and young and LOVE me. And my Sister? Forget about it. She is amazing. I could say hate or complain words to her every day and she’d still listen. She even came home at midnight one New Years Eve when I was sad to kiss ME at midnight, then back out she went. I have aunts and uncles and friends… I am soooo wealthy.

I am a daughter, grand daughter, great grand daughter, mother, wife, sister, aunt, daughter in law, sister in law, niece and friend.

Poor will come and go (hopefully mostly go). But this wealth of mine will last a lifetime.

Goodbye Uncle Dennis

Uncle Dennis passed away this weekend. Very very sad. My heart goes out to his family and his sweet daughters.

Here is how we should all remember Uncle Dennis. (the following story may be messed up a bit as I was in my early teens when it happened) One summer day he was driving down the road and saw a beautiful blonde girl (Aunt Michelle) driving next to him. He was pulled up next to her at a light and didn't know what to do or say. Both of their windows were down and he KNEW he couldn't let her get away.

What did he come up with?

"Want a bite?" (he said to her out his window, gesturing to his hamburger)

Classic. and it worked. They got together, eventually married, and had two beautiful daughters.

Go Uncle Dennis.

We will miss you.

Brian and Heather got married!

So, Brian Warner and Heather Sweet got married. I just looked at the Vogue spread of their wedding and it really was beautiful considering.

Considering what you may ask? Brian Warner and Heather Sweet are more commonly known as Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese.

Names really are a very important part of how a person is viewed I think. If it was “Shock Rocker Brian Warner”, would it have the same sound? Or would “Burlesque dancer Heather Sweet” sound as exotic? I don’t think so. Names are a big deal.

And a big responsibility. Like naming a child for example. What a huge deal! You are basically deciding how that child will be viewed forever. Lets take Jackson for example. He can be called Jack or Jacks or Jackson. It could be spelled Jackson, Jaxon, Jaxson, Jaksin, etc. And Jack used to be a nickname for John…. Then there's Jack-off, High-Jack, Jackass, Jack and the Bean Stock, Jack be nimble, Jack Sprat, Jack and Jill... Huh. So, I think that anyone will agree that a name is very important.

I like the old urban legend of Orangelo and Lamongelo. Twin fellas. Mom named them after Orange Jello and Lime Jello. Or the lady that named her daughter Placenta because she heard it and thought it sounded pretty. Or Ima and Ura Hog. Not nice to do to young ladies.

In my immediate family, Dad has a nice normal name, but mothers is unusual. Then my seester is Rebecca Marie. Such a lovely lady sounding name. But before Ma & Pa came up with her lovely moniker, they named me Janni Laine. Janni Laine. Forever destined to sound like a cheerleader. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like my name A LOT. If someone says “Janni!” I know it’s me. But am I named after the song Penny Lane? Or did Daddy see a Janni Lane on the way to the hospital and was relieved because he hadn’t chosen a name yet? And didn’t he know that in the 80’s there would be a butt-rocker called Jani Lane?

3 things.

1. When I go into witness protection, my first name will be Ryan (chose that in middle school).
2. My porn name is Muffin Fairfield (1st pet, 1st street).
3. IF my name was Richard, I’d go by Dick cause it’s funny.

Oh, and 4? I really do love that my name is Janni Laine. Thanks Dad.

You can stare if you want to.

So~

The weirdest thing has happened.

I have become one of “those” people. You know, one of the tattooed, pierced people. I’m not worthy of a stare, and don’t plan to be. I am a stare-er not a stare-ee. But can I anymore? I mean, without being somewhat prejudice against myself?

When I realized it was last week before I went home for my 35th birthday. I had a nightmare that my son begged and begged to get his ears pierced. So off we went to have his earlobes STRETCHED to the size of a SILVER DOLLAR. In my dream, I panicked and was massaging his precious earlobes with anything I could find to try to get them to shrink before going home. Hair conditioner, olive oil, ice, you name it, in the nightmare, I tried it. I lost several nights sleep over it.

And why you may ask? Because I (ME) had my earlobes stretched about 8 weeks ago and hadn’t told my family. (coward) So I make a phone call to my dad. “Dad? I have to tell you something so that I can get some sleep.” Of course, he scolded me. But not for the earlobes (only 4 gauge by the way which equals a 3mm hole), but because I worried about it. “You’re forgetting that I’m your old dad that has a buzzard sitting on a bone (tattoo).” Plus, he’s kinda used to it as it’s not my first or even my 5th piercing and I just had my 10th tattoo.

What is my point?

Can you be one that stares at a tattooed pierced freak and be one at the same time? Can you?

And the truth of the matter is, I don’t know when I’m done with my.. um.. alterations.

Huh.

Alls I can say is THANK GOODNESS you have to be 18 to get ink because my son would be covered with Sponge Bob tattoo’s.

My little seester

I love my sister. That song just came on the radio "you are so beautiful, to me" and as I was listening, I was looking our picture (you know, the one with our tongues sticking out?) and I LOVE MY SISTER!

I mean seriously. She's the best EVER.

42 Minutes and Holding

Last Thursday, I was on hold with HP for 55 minutes before I heard a live voice. Every minute or so, the lady would tell me how important my call was to her. I started to call her a lying whore out loud. Then there was the very loud music in between. I started to go mad.

So, this is the article on my desk this morning. My boss brought it in and it's from Readers Digest. Bless us all.

42 Minutes and Holding…..

Thank you for calling Customer Care. Your call is not as important to us as it is to you. If you are calling from a touch tone phone, press or say 1. If you are calling from a rotary dial phone, please stay on the line while a customer care representative makes fun of you. Para assistencia en espanol, go to South America and try your call again.

Your call may be monitored and/or recorded for staff entertainment purposes. For security reasons, please enter the last four digits of your junior high school locker combination.

To save us money and expedite the dismissal of customer care representatives, our express automated speech response system is now available. To use this system, press 1. To speak to a customer care representative, call the County Unemployment office. To hear these options again, hang up and call back.

Please say your 67 digit personal account number, located on the one page of your bill that has gone missing, followed by the pound sign. If you thought * was the pound sign, say Ding Dong.

I heard: 19548753698412579533984536812554789621488532197
40551040587631459620. If this is correct, say Yes. If this is not correct, it’s your fault. You are mumbling, or have a funny accent.

For payment information, say Payment. If you have calls and charges that you don’t understand, say Pinhead. To hear these options again, say Attention Span of a Gnat. To hear the call of the Long-Toed Stint, say Kirrrrrr-PIP wacka wacka wacka.

Our records show that a payment of $149 was posted August 23rd, following a 12 day processing period, during which time Accounts Receivable clerk June Smetak was unaccountably absent and consequently, your payment was recorded 6 days after the due date. A late fee of as much as we can get away with without government intervention has been posted to your account. June Smetak has been promoted. We know. Life isn’t fair.

To enter your 67 digit personal account number again for no special reason, press or say 1.

Please wait, a customer care representative will be with you shortly, or be short with you, or something. Calls will be answered in the order in which we feel like. You may hear clicks followed by silence. You may hear “I Love Rock-n-Roll” done entirely in strings. You may hear yourself say regrettable things, which may or may not be recorded.

For example, our records indicate that you used the phrase (Lying Whore) “gabling nitwit” during your last call to Customer Care. This has been noted in our record and will be reflected in the quality of service you receive and the tone of voice of the Customer Care Representative, should you somehow manage to reach one.

I’m sorry. 0 is not a valid prompt. Even if pushed furiously 11 times in rapid succession.

To use our express automated speech response system, press 1. To hear our website address, press 2. To speak with someone about how angry you are, press 3.

3 is not a valid prompt. Thank you for calling. Click.

My assignment from Rebecca Marie

So, Rebecca Marie told me to write 100 things about myself quite a while ago. Well, I found it this morning. AND made the mistake of telling her that I found it. Then the threat came. Post it. Or she'll make up 100 things about me and post it for me.

I love my Rebecca Marie.

Here we go.

1. I was an Avon lady and my favorite part was the samples.
2. I like to sit in front of a fire until my skin itches and is hot to the touch.
3. I like (really really like) razor blades.
4. Scary and witch movies are my favorite. I don't see sad movies.
5. My favorite shape is a star.
6. Black is my favorite color to wear, blue to look at.
7. I have 9 tattoo's. I think 10 will be the magic number. Maybe 12.
8. I like dragonflies because they are beautiful ~ and mean.
9. I wish I was a vampire. (the beautiful part, not the blood part)
10. I love the sound of a hot rod. LOVE.
11. I love loud angry music.
12. I HATE QUICHE.
13. I like to pick off acrylic nails as much as putting them on.
14. I see dead people.
15. I still sleep with my bear.
16. I like soda after the ice is amost gone. "Pop water"
17. I love to snoop.
18. I have a magazine problem.
19. I have been in love 3 times. Only once was nice. Still is.
20. I printed out the application for extremem makeover, but knew they'd roll their eyes.
21. I pick at things compulsively.
22. Going to Target and buying prizes makes me happy.
23. If I didn't know how old I was, I'd guess 25.
24. Sometimes I hate being told I'm beautiful because it hasn't made a difference.
25. I sing along. I don't care who hears or sees.
26. I have a son. But I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
27. Strappy sandals make me feel sassy.
28. 3 is my favorite number. I hate 11.
29. I love blankeys. I have them everywhere.
30. I wish I was a coctail person. I'm working on it.
31. I'd like to write something before I'm done.
32. I love my sister unconditionally.
33. I had a miscarriage. I was shocked I was pregnant and relieved I wasn't!
34. Snow used to make me happy. Now it makes me feel trapped.
35. I think Jack Skellington is a cool cat. Bone Daddy.
36. I like the smell of nail polish and remover.
37. I like to knit and crochet. But not for myself.
38. I eat Taco Time even tho I know I'll be sick.
39. I hate almost everybody. Almost.
40. I like being short.
41. Chips and cheese is my favorite food. Then fondue.
42. The one time I offered my hand first for a handshake, I was turned down (they said they had a cold...). I will never do it again.
43. I have memories I would erase if I could.
44. I resent the day to day tasks of being an adult.
45. I can still do the splits.
46. I can wear red lipstick. Makes the boys act funny.
47. I enjoy the whole process of drinking coffee.
48. Pink highlighters are my favorite. Not yellow.
49. I'm really mean.
50. Renting movies and sitting on my ass for hours is the best.
51. I shouldn't be allowed in the bathroom alone with hair color or shears.
52. I liked wearing glasses a lot more when I didn't have to.
53. I have worn Bonne Belle 'Express-Yo-Self' lipgloss for years.
54. Boy shorts and beaters make me feel sexy.
55. I love hairy chests. Not gorilla. Just nice.
56. Smell is the memory that lasts longest for me.
57. I am a remote commando.
58. I think breasts are beautiful. I get it.
59. I count things. A lot.
60. My heart is too fragile for this world.
61. My memory for faces and names is CIA worthy. But I pretend not to know people.
62. I love to bake. But I don't like baked goods.
63. People tell me their secrets. Even strangers. All the time.
64. I wish I watched and understood football.
65. Song writers amaze me and touch my heart. A good song can wreck me.
66. I used to throw Rebecca Marie's cat at the dog. Muffin didn't like it, but Lady did.
67. I love to play platform games. Sonic, Mario, Crash. Love them.
68. I make amazing home made chicken pot pie, and macaroni and cheese. Really.
69. I hate chocolate chip cookies and watermelon.
70. Dark stormy blue-gray eyes are my favorite.
71. 71 is the year I was born.
72. I could spend hours looking at and picking at my face.
73. I like going to the beach, but don't like walking on the sand.
74. If I could afford to buy a new wardrobe, I'd have a hard time choosing between Stevie Nicks and Ellen DeGenerous.
75. WT was my first real kiss and after sticking his tongue in my mouth, he asked if I was trying to "french" him.
76. For every thing I say, there are 10 I didn't.
77. Hypnotize by Notorius BIG is one of my top 10 favorite songs.
78. My home made butter toffee gives people the grips.
79. If you hate me, buy me black hills gold or heart shaped jewelry.
80. I think Bette Davis is scary and was probably the devil.
81. Some days I'm prettier than everyone. Some days I'm uglier.
82. "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is bullshit.
83. I tell Rebecca Marie everything. Even if I swear I won't.
84. I didn't cry when Grandpa Harry died because I hated him. I didn't cry when Grand dad Jack died because I love him.
85. I hate that I can't be best friends with boys.
86. Realistically, I have 2 feet of scars on my body.
87. I'm not patient. People think I am. I'm not.
88. I like my feet and love a cute pedicure.
89. I'm very messy.
90. NO GOOBIES! (pulp) I don't drink debris.
91. Marilyn Manson's greatest hit's CD is my favorite.
92. I'm obsessed with my eyebrows.
93. I've had my navel pierced twice. I like to get pierced.
94. My tubes are tied. But I'd have Boo from Monster's Inc.
95. I don't recover from broken hearts.
96. I love VH1 specials. I still watch MTV.
97. I love jewels. I have a small treasure chest filled with real gemstones.
98. My son breaks my heart.
99. My husband is crazy about me.
100. No one knows my deepest darkest secret. I'll take it
to the grave.

Well, that's what I came up with.

You should try it. Even if it DOES get personal. If nothing else
we should at least be personal.

WHAT?!?!?!?

What do you mean I'm staying in Bend?

What a hateful thing to say to me!

Hateful.

I don't wanna.

I thought about completely deleting this turkey, but someday, I may want to blog again. But, for now, I don't wanna. Besides, Rebecca-Marie's is the "stuff" and I just wanna read.....

I am moving back home tho!!!

Yeay ME!

So, Rebecca-Marie bossed me and it worked for a bit. And that's something she sould be proud of!

More I Hate Bend poems....

Roses are red
Dirt is brown
I hate Bend
It makes me frown.

A Haiku... (how do you spell high-koo?)

Bend is dry and brown
Everyone's rich or a snob
It makes my nose bleed

A Limerick... (how do you spell lim-rick?)

In the desert, there's a town called Bend
Where everyone is rude, not a friend
There are gun racks and Subaru's and frogs
That cougar in the tree wants your dog

mmhmm.

there you go.

Post McEntry

my name is janni laine. i never should have told my sister my password. she pirates in and blogs when i don't. blog blog blog. bloggety blog blog. also, i think she is awesome. don't give her your password. love janni laine.

arrivederci, rebec... i mean, janni laine

All About ME!

So, Rebecca-Marie gave me lotion that's called "All About ME". It's a pink bottle full of pink lotion with a princess on the label. It smells just like Smarties!

But it doesn't taste like Smarties.

Not even a little.

hmm-mm.

Rebecca-Marie is grounded

She is a bratty little sister and that's my story and she's grounded! Grounded! TIME OUT RIGHT NOW YOUNG LADY!